Menghitung Berkat Tahun 2009

Di tanggal 25 Desember tahun ini, di mana banyak orang merayakan lahirnya Yesus Kristus, gua tiba-tiba mendapat inspirasi. Seperti ada orang yang berbisik di ruang ide di otak ini: hei bagaimana kalau kamu menghitung berkat yang kamu dapat di tahun ini untuk menyatakan syukurmu?
Tahun ini diramalkan akan menjadi tahun yang berat, tahun krisis dan bencana. Kita semua mengikuti, atau setidaknya mendengar berita – berita mengenai krisis keuangan yang menimpa banyak dimensi masyarakat. Chrysler melakukan perumahan masal terhadap pekerja – pekerjanya, beberapa perusahaan menutup pabrik, orang – orang bursa rugi dalam lebih dari sedikit transaksi surat – surat berharga, dan perusahaan investasi yang sudah mapan pun terpaksa hilang tertelan monster krisis ini. Bencana pun bisa terhitung yang besar – besar, dan yang kecil – kecil sudah demikian banyak sehingga kita jengah dan menganggapnya biasa. Gempa, banjir bandang dan longsor di daerah Sumatera dan Jawa, serta beberapa pulau lain mengingatkan kita bahwa alam pun punya batas kesabaran akan ekspansi manusia. Bencana kecil, seperti beberapa insiden bunuh diri yang cukup banyak di akhir tahun ini, kebakaran, runtuhnya sebagian gedung dari pusat belanja di Jakarta, dan banyaknya korban dalam perebutan rezeki di hari raya merupakan keseharian kita.
Melihat itu semua, patutlah gua bersyukur melihat gua bisa selamat merayakan natal dengan aman di rumah. Mengesampingkan konflik – konflik besar yang terjadi di kehidupan gua, yang mana memang terjadi, kekecewaan – kekecewaan, kehampaan yang sering menghinggapi, dan sedikit masalah kesehatan, banyak hal yang bisa disyukuri! Ketika menghitung berapa banyak, gua cukup kaget karena ternyata ada surplus syukur yang begitu besar tahun ini! Mari senyum bareng dulu =)
Mari kita mulai dengan yang kecil – kecil dulu, karena yang kecil – kecil ini mudah sekali hilang saat kita menghitung yang besar – besar.
1. Gua masih punya pekerjaan mengajar les pelajaran. Walau Cuma satu orang tapi puji Tuhan
2. Laptop gua ga ada masalah sama sekali. Sehat walafiat. Bandingkan dengan tahun lalu yang mengalami kerusakan di motherboard! OMFG, kehadiran laptop ini cukup krusial dalam kehidupan gua setahun ini.
3. Dapat baju baru, sedikit tapi cukup. Bahkan, gua bisa nyumbang sedikit buat Natal. Yuk senyum lagi =)
4. Motor gua masih sehat. Ga rewel, cuma ganti kabel speedo doang, ganti oli.
5. Masih bisa main futsal seminggu sekali. Walau ada masalah izin sebentar, tapi diatasi dengan relatif mudah. Tadinya gua kira udah bakal pensiun tahun lalu, setelah cedera lutut dan kambuh 2-3 kali. Puji Tuhan walau musti lebih hati – hati saat main, gua masih bisa main olah raga kesukaan gua ini. Bahkan di FTb Games 2009 gua bisa juara 3 futsal, dan gua bisa membantu tim alumni juara 1 basket.
6. Keluarga masih utuh dan bisa dibilang damai. Konflik – konflik yang ada puji Tuhan masih bisa diredam dan gua tahan – tahanin. Ini adalah berkat besar, banyak orang ga sadar hal itu. Sangat sulit berkonsentrasi kalau keluarga kita ga damai.
7. Masih bisa melayani di gereja dengan paduan suara. Hahaha suara gua masih laku aja di gereja. Kawinan juga banyak yang diiringi oleh paduan suara wilayah gua.
8. Semua orang yang gua sayangi secara umum relatif sehat dan selamat.
9. Dapat hand phone baru!! Dua kali karena HP yang baru diganti hilang dalam beberapa minggu. Stupid me X.X But, hey! Technically I got 2 new hand phone, though only 1 is usable.
10. Ga ada masalah berarti dalam pendaftaran ulang kuliah XD
11. Masih bisa memberi, bukan diberi, sedekah.
12. Bisa menyaksikan teman – teman seangkatan lulus dengan bahagia. Miss you guys.
13. Punya pembimbing skripsi yang pengertian, banget, ke gua. OMG gua tidak bisa membayangkan kalau pembimbing skripsinya orang lain, pasti gua sudah di-bully – bully karena ketololan gua.
14. Tak pernah kena kecelakaan di jalan raya.
15. Gua punya banyak teman. Mungkin ga semua bisa hadir setiap saat gua butuh mereka, tapi satu dua ada di situ, menyelinap di saat – saat tertentu untuk menjaga gua tetap di jalur gua.
16. Etc.
Wah – wah, banyak juga yah berkat kecilnya. Masih banyak namun rasanya contoh – contoh ini sudah cukup mengingatkan gua untuk mensyukuri bukan hanya berkat besar namun juga berkat – berkat kecil yang setiap hari selalu menopang jalan gua.
Sekarang gua akan beralih ke berkat – berkat yang gua anggap berkat besar tahun ini. Ini relatif, tapi mengingat hal – hal ini membuat gua tersenyum lebih lebar dari yang lain. Senyum dong =)
1. Paduan suara gua, Paduan Suara Wilayah Santa Theresia dari Kanak – kanak Yesus, memenangkan lomba paduan suara antar wilayah di Paroki Katedral. Dengan latihan hanya hitungan minggu dan anggota yang jarang lengkap saat latihan, rasanya mustahil menang tanpa restu Tuhan, seberapa kerasnya pun kita latihan.
2. Yang ini lebih gila lagi. Paduan suara gua yang satu lagi, Paduan Suara Orang Muda Katolik Katedral, meraih peringkat pertama dalam Lomba Paduan Suara Orang Muda Katolik se- Keuskupan Agung Jakarta (Jakarta dan sekitarnya, misal Bekasi, Cijantung, BSD). Latihannya diadakan sekitar sebulan sebelum lomba. Gua ditawarin ikut seminggu sebelum latihan perdana. Dengan lomba antar wilayah menjelang, maka gua sangat sering bolos latihan. Terhitung hanya dua minggu sebelum lomba gua baru memegang teks lagu pertama dalam materi lomba tersebut! Dengan sistem kebut – kebutan, gua berusaha mengejar ketertinggalan gua dari anggota yang lain. Di saat tampil sesungguhnya rasa pesimis sudah merayap. Padus gua baru sekali – sekalinya bagus pas latihan, terus ditambah gaya –gaya pula. Apa – apaan ini, materi belum beres musti latihan gerak pula!? Pada saat pengumuman, gua tidak berada di tempat, sehingga saat mendengar dari rekan sepadus bahwa kita peringkat satu, reflek gua adalah bertanya: Masa? Pialanya mana?
3. Nonton Java Jazz!!! Wehehe menabung dan berharap suatu saat bisa nonton konser besar, akhirnya impian itu tercapai bersama Rinaldy, Gandhi, Pucca, Raja dan Gaby. Kita menonton banyak musisi Jazz fantastis mulai dari Dwiki Dharmawan, Matt Bianco, hingga yang terpenting, JASON MRAZ!!! Yeah, watching that wacko really made my semester worthwhile.
4. Tahun ini bisa disebut My Jazzy Year. Medio akhir tahun gua pergi menonton Jazz Goes to Campus ke-32 di UI. Menonton di UI Depok langsung disambut hujan. Andre Hehanusa memoles Karena Kutahu Engkau Begitu dengan beat yang lebih cepat dan bersemangat tanpa mengurangi nuansa romantis lagu itu, Ecoutez! tetap mendapat hati di telinga para fansnya, Maliq Rockss!! Kejutan didapat saat menonton Kul-kul, band Jazz fusion yang mengabungkan band jazz, duet biola dan gamelan Bali. Mereka betul – betul membangkitkan suasana meriah dengan perpaduan musik yang dinamis antara melodis dan ritmis. Jadwal acara yang molor tidak menyurutkan kesenangan rombongan Rinaldy Gandhi Pucca dan gua untuk menikmati penampilan Olivia Ong sebagai puncak acara hari itu.
5. Akhirnya gua seminar juga!! Langkah pertama menjelang sidang skripsi sudah diambil. Meskipun selalu ketar – ketir dan ada kesulitan dengan naskah dan jadwal berdiskusi dengan pembimbing lab, namun akhirnya semua berjalan baik. Semoga ke depannya bisa jauh lebih lancar! Yuk senyum lagi =)
6. Tahun ini juga bisa dibilang tahun reuni. Alumni SMU angkatan gua mengadakan reuni angkatan. Senang rasanya ketemu dengan teman “senasib” a.k.a belum lulus, ada yang sudah kerja, ada yang baru bertemu lagi setelah mereka belajar ke luar negeri sejak SMU.
Ada yang sangat berubah penampilannya, ada yang masih seperti dulu. Tapi yang pasti semangat dan jiwa kami tetap tidak berubah. Semangat Kanisian! Kafe Pisa sempat riuh dengan Mars Kanisius yang kami nyanyikan bersama, sementara itu ada seorang bapak muda yang memperhatikan dengan heran X.x freak banget di depan umum nyanyi mars? Namun ternyata beliau adalah sesama kanisian, alumni tahun 70an, kalau tidak salah =)
7. Tahun ini reuni juga dengan teman – teman SD. Pemicunya adalah, selain kangen satu sama lain tentunya, adalah kembalinya teman kami dari USA, setelah dia pindah di tahun 1999. It’s been fun meeting them after all these years. Some girls got prettier, some got fatter, which was good for some cases. There’re only three guys there so it was fun-watching-the-girls-and-reminiscing fun, almost no boys fun. All in all, it was fun.
8. Mengikuti acara rame – rame teman seangkatan di Fakultas Teknobiologi. Tahun baruan 2009 dirumah Lukas, jalan bareng ke Gading, makan – makan di Pasar Ikan (lobster, hmm), menyenangkan. Waiting for our next event.
9. Tahun ini terutama menjelang akhir tahun adalah hari – hari yang berkaitan erat dengan perkawinan dan... usus buntu. Apa? Apa hubungannya? Oke, satu per satu. Di bagian atas sudah gua sebut kalau padus gua mengiringi banyak acara perkawinan. Kemudian gua mendapat pekerjaan dalam sebuah Wedding Organizer karena teman guaterkena usus buntu (dia cepat pulih kok. Thanks bro). The pay was good for that amount of work, and the wedding went great! Dan karena cari alamat untuk perkawinan (pernikahan?) tersebut, kontak yang sedikit terputus dengan orang yang dulu dekat terjalin lagi untuk sejenak. Hal inilah yang paling menyenangkan. Really miss communicating with her. Kemudian di akhir – akhir tahun, ada teman kuliah yang digadang – gadang sebagai orang pertama yang akan menikah di angkatan kami, terkena usus buntu dan harus dioperasi juga. Cepat sembuh, my sister =)
10. Menjadi Panitia Pemilihan Anggota BPM, Pemilihan Ketua Senat dan LDK BPM – Senat FTb 2009. Segenap panitia termasuk gua ingin memberikan bekal sebaik – baiknya untuk penerus kami di organisasi kemahasiswaan Fakultas Teknobiologi. Begitu banyak bahan yang ingin dijejalkan dalam jadwal yang begitu singkat. Jadwal yang padat dan waktu persiapan yang singkat adalah hambatan utama dalam mengerjakan tugas ini. Semoga semua yang diberikan terbukti bermanfaat bagi teman – teman dan organisasi kemahasiswaan tersebut bisa terus berlanjut semakin lama semakin maju.
11. The happiest but crappy highlight of this year’s blessings was the fact that my first love went out to a movie with me. I’ve been in love with her for some ten or so years, and that night she went out with me. Make no mistake, it doesn’t mean that I’ve been living like a monk and never hang out or fall for another girl, it’s just I can’t forget her and that I made some important decisions in my life just to a glimmer of hope that those might ease my chance of meeting her again.
I’ve said in my prayer that I could die in peace when I met her again after all these years. To went out with her, that was close enough to heaven I think. Although I didn’t think the ending’s that great. I was rendered speechless, making stupid conversations and all. Nonetheless, I’m very really grateful. Giving thanks a million times won’t seem enough.
Gua teringat lagu yang dulu pernah gua nyanyikan di SD dan SLTP, “bila kita hitungkan berkat Tuhan, pasti lah kan terhibur selalu girang.” Setidaknya untuk gua, tahun ini adalah tahun yang luar biasa. Teman – teman yang gua sayang, keluarga yang gua cintai, dan kasih dari Tuhan dalam setiap berkat serta tiap cobaan, cukup untuk membuat gua menjadi salah satu orang yang sangat bersyukur di akhir tahun ini. Apakah anda merasa tahun ini mengecewakan, biasa saja, bahkan hampa? Sudahkah anda menghitung berkat anda sepanjang tahun ini? Mari senyum bersama gua, yang lebar!! =)

Fake Status

I'm depressed and eager at the same time

I'm uneasy and serene and the same hour

Bludgeoningly furious and smiling to the same person

having uncontrollable killing intent and self control
in this exact situation

Can you at the same sequence breathe and devour?

Which was true which was not me,
I will find my real self sometime

Life and Riding

Life is like riding a car. Think about it. It's true.

If you ride it too fast, you won't be able to enjoy the view.

You need to focus on the road and the obstacles and other cars behind you
will always look like upcoming danger that needs to be avoided or eliminated.

But, if you ride it too fast while enjoying the view beside you,
sooner or later you will self destruct.

Riding it too slow, you won't get anywhere.
Riding it without varying your pace will get you bored, sleepy, and
you'll end up sleeping. It's dangerous to drive while sleeping, right?

Drive it not too fast, not too slow.
Take some challenge once in a while, and be smart at it.
Don't play chicken with a drunken driver, for example.
Don't count the moment, make the moment count.

So, life, and driving an automobile have one simple rule to it:
Enjoy the ride.

Grinding On The Facts

Lately I've been thinking, am I a bad fish?
why won't anybody stick long enough to get to know me?
Is it that my mind too complex?
Are the defenses I put up front to cover my true self
too thick and unwieldy to push through?

And then I realize something relaxing:
Maybe all those are quite true, but
it's not as bad as I was thinking.

I'm just not attractive enough.
Wait, is it suppose to be relaxing?

A Few Realization

If walls could talk..
I hope it can deliver my affection
just as gentle a whisper: Let's have conversations and take a walk
With me,
Let us share stories

I'm tripping in words, abusing intention.
Sniffing sentences n phrases in bong, while smoking intonation.
I'm mainlining myself with poetry and songs.
Very addictive:)

All about mirage
is what we can see but not real
All about you
is what I can see, wish for, and think of
but cannot reach

Breezing through layers of meadow
I realize it's a small window
Nonetheless I keep baking hope
in case if it expand well enough,
it'll soften your heart a bit
and maybe sometime we could elope.

She is the girl with the broader smile and never back down
to live the way your will want to go.
Making every tick of the clock worth your while,
you are the realization of queen of the crown
with the ever kindities of the down low.

My words too few and this canvass too small
to describe my far admiration along
it's just a sorry about the misquoted balls
that made it indecent of a conversation.

Terbiasa

Entah kenapa,
aku nyaman berbagi cerita denganmu.
Entah kenapa,
di hatiku selalu ada pengertian untukmu.
Kau egois, mau menang sendiri, kejam dan ucapanmu tajam.
Namun entah kenapa,
aku bisa terbiasa.
Entah kapan,
aku bisa menjelaskan fenomena ini.
Dan kamu bisa memahami.

Tak Berjudul (bukan 'Belum Ada Judul' kaya film b**u itu lho?!)

Lakukan apa yang engkau inginkan,
Tak ada yang bisa mencegahmu
Karena apapun yang engkau pikirkan
Tanpa perbuatan takkan jadi kenyataan
Dekaplah erat mimpi – mimpimu

Janganlah engkau ragukan
Ke mana ia kan membawamu
Sebab segala sesuatu akan
terbuka satu persatu bukan
karena waktu dan diammu

Berlarilah sejauh kau mampu karena cinta takkan menunggu
Berlarilah tanpa ragu karena dunia takkan menunggu
Bergegaslah secepatnya sebelum waktu mengganggu

Sambungkanlah tali kasihmu
Jangan biarkan rindu itu tertekan
Hampirilah saudara dan tetanggamu
Sapa mereka janganlah kau menunggu
Biarkanlah cinta berjalan

Karena dunia indah dengan senyummu
Bayarlah sedih dengan pelukan
Agar segala kesepianmu
Lenyap bagai debu
Mari tertawa bersama, habiskan waktu berharga, memberikan dunia alasan untuk ceria

Berlarilah sejauh kau mampu karena cinta takkan menunggu
Berlarilah tanpa ragu karena dunia takkan menunggu
Bergegaslah secepatnya sebelum waktu mengganggu

Kalau ada salah maaf memaafkan
Kalau dibantu berterima kasihlah
Kalau mendengarkan jangan setengah – setengah
Hadapi setiap masalah bergandengan tangan

Buka hatimu.

My Untold Story

Our story ends this way
I can’t even make you stay
I can’t even dare to say
Those words I meant to say.

Maybe it seems like I want only to play,
But if I may,
I wanna be with you every day.
Spending nights and walking in light,
Knowing with you, it will all be alright.

But it’s over now.
Our roads will part now.

Good bye,
with a smile.
My untold story.

You've Been

For more than a decade,
you've been

my dreams
my idea of love
my ideal of how is a girl suppose to be
my resolve of perfection
my peaceful home

one of my reason for achievements
one of reality I want to be true
a girl I had never had
a light of inspiration
a fill in my hollow heart
a password to my secrets.

To meet you again was

my lifelong obsession
my hidden reason
behind every important decisions
my answer to what a true love is
my reason why some songs is on my fave list
my dear happiness

aspirations in my poetry.

The song you used to sing is a soothing thing for me to lull
whenever my footsteps feel dull

a suggestion of peace in mind
and a breeze in this universe of mine

Your eyes told me that a hope always exists
in this hell-like world could still be little heavens

your smile is a bliss, a blessing I couldn't, and won't resist
It tells me as an example, why some people are so driven.

Thank you for all that.
I'm glad by the fact

my dream to meet you has come true

my wish to again see that smile upon your face,
in your eyes and with your lips,
has been fulfilled

I'm glad that
they haven't changed after all these years

that love for your life and family

that faith
that if you try your best you won't regret

that despite your maturing beauty
you still have that same spirit,
the passion that stilled and excited me
back in those years

that you still have the reasons that made me love you
Even now I still do

I'll jump off the train
take a bullet
if I have to

to keep those qualities in you,
to know that you can be what you want
and won't cry any tears but of happiness,
or a moving scene in the movies.

I'm glad that I've told you my feelings,
even though it was badly said.
I'm not good with words, as always,
especially when it's about something I really care about.

There, I'm saying it again
still as badly as those days in December
When it rained and I heard some songs, and thought about you.

Now, I'll just say it, plain and straight
badly again I guess

Happy birthday.

Everything Happens for A Reason Part 2

Lanjutan Part 1. Untuk yang belum baca Part 1, baca Part 1 dulu yah.




"Hari Minggunya, gue udah banyak agenda. Pergi ke gereja, donor darah untuk pertama kalinya (akhirnya gue dites sipilis dan aids juga! Gue pengen tau sejak lama apakah darah gue bersih ato kaga),jagain orang servis AC di kamar gue, terus ngelesin tuh anak dodol lagi gara2 ulangan umumnya dia ada remed (kerja di hari minggu? NOOoooooo..... T.T)

Acara 1 dan 2 lancar, 3 juga lancar. Oya, nenek gue lagi pergi ngunjungin anaknya yang laen, hari minggu itu katanya balik abis tukang AC selesai servis. Gue bingung, apakah iya nenek gue bisa menyinkronkan jadwalnya dengan tukang servis AC sampe dia bakal tau kapan mereka selesai.
Kecurigaan gue terbukti, nenek gue belum pulang pas tuh tukang AC selesai.

Gue pergi ke rumah murid gue untuk membodohi kehidupan bangsa. Les kok sama gue? Ck3 Dia mang perlu ngeles soal cara memilih guru les. Pergi kerja di hari minggu, yah ga papa juga kali yah.
Gue ngelesin dengan sukses, ngomelin anaknya kenapa isa remed, dapet gaji 2 bulan sekaligus, jadi gue pulang dengan hepi XD

Sampe rumah, gue langsung gatel pengen belanja. Ada film seri yang pengen banget gue beli. Novel, gue dah setaon ga beli novel. Baca sih masih, minjem gitu loh Xp
Dan beragam insting impulsif gue ini diinisiasi gaji yang baru gue terima.
Jam 8an kurang, gue memutuskan pergi sendiri ke salah satu tempat belanja deket rumah karena ga yang mau nemenin -.- yea, i'm pathetic, can't fight my impulsive behaviour. Gimana dong, gue mang ngefans banget ma tuh seri.
Sampe di sana, WOW, dari 4 gerai yang jual DVD, WTFH GA ADA SATUPUN yang jual tuh seri. 1 tutup, satu baru buka, jadi ga sedia film seri barat, 2 lagi mang ga ada stok. Gue ke sini sia2? Oh No.....

Dengan tekad pantang menyerah gue mencari.. film lainnya untuk dibeli. Yah, memang bodoh sih, tapi gue ga mau dong jalan sia2? Jadilah gue muter2 terus beli 2 film baru yang ga bisa gue nonton di bioskop (a.k.a semua orang kecuali gue udah nonton, jadi...). Setelah itu baru gue bisa pulang dengan tenang.

Udah deket pager nih, gue ngeliat om gue yang di rumah sebelah (sebut saja om J) dan istri, serta anaknya berlari ke rumah gue, membuka gerbang dengan buru2, lalu masuk dengan kecepatan tinggi. Ada apa ini? Perasaan gue mulai ga enak.

Berat nih nyeritainnya tapi udah tanggung. Jadi ternyata dari semua kemungkinan buruk yang ada di kepala gue saat menganalisis kejadian tadi (rumah kebakaran, nenek gue sakit, bokap jatoh di WC dan jempolnya berdarah), yang terjadi adalah...
Bokap gue ribut sama om-tante gue. Lengkap deh ada teriak2, saling dorong, pemukulan, makian dan ancaman untuk pihak selain dirinya untuk angkat kaki dari rumah tsb. Hal yang gue dan beberapa orang dekat takutkan akan terjadi selama 3-4 tahun terakhir terjadi juga. Ribut2 ini adalah hasil dari tegoran bokap ke tante gue menyangkut peristiwa kemarin.

Gue udah mikir kemungkinan terburuk dari skenario ini meskipun gue bukan sutradaranya. Gue ma keluarga inti gue bakal disuruh cabut dari ni rumha. Disuruh ngontrak ato ngekos mungkin? Hmm, Gua bakal disuruh milih pilihan2 sulit. Dan terus terang? Gue gamang dan ga mao milih. Mereka semua penting bagi gue. Gue galau bareng ma ade2 sepupu gue (anak om, dan 2 anak om J) di serambi sambil mendengarkan representasi audio dari apa yang terjadi di dalam rumah.

Gue ma ade2 sepupu gue memilih untuk ga masuk rumah. Biarlah orang tua mengurus dirinya sendiri. Kita yang masih muda pasti serba salah. Mau ngebela salah satu, yang laen sedih, jengkel dan akhirnya kalo kita salah (ataupun bener terus dirinya merasa tersindir) pasti diteriakin 'anak kecil tau apa? Ini urusan orang tua!' Bener kan? Gua ma ade2 gue dalam situasi kaya gitu ga mungkin mendamaikan suasana. Bahkan dengan masuk membawa sebaki teh sariwangi yang katanya bisa mencairkan suasana itu gua rasa ga bakal manjur.

Akhirnya, kita melakukan hal yang paling masuk akal yang bisa kita lakukan. Kita ke rumah sepupu gue, dan maen monopoli sampai badai reda.
Ya, entah kenapa salah satu sepupu gue mengusulkan bahwa maen monopoli itu cocok untuk situasi macam begitu. Entah relaksasi permainan rakyat, penggunaan prinsip kapitalisme yang kompleks disederhanakan dalam bentuk papan permainan, tema monopolinya yang keren(Spiderman! Temanya spiderman!! Akhirnya gue bisa beli daily bugle dan memecat Jameson! Mwahahhahaha But that's not the point), akhirnya kita maen gituan sampe jam 12 malem.

Masalahnya kayanya belom selesai, tapi setidaknya kepala tiap orang udah mulai dingin. Unek2 udah keluar semua, begitu juga tenaga untuk konflik.
Kita semua, termasuk gue, memilih untuk pergi tidur malam itu. Besok, biarlah jadi urusan besok. Gue cuma bisa mendoakan yang terbaik.

Dari cerita terakhir ini, gue semakin yakin. Segala sesuatu ada yang ngatur. Dan segala sesuatu apapun itu pasti terjadi karena suatu alasan. Mungkin saat ngalamin, kita belum tau apa maksudnya. Tapi kalo lo pikir baik2 di suatu waktu yang tepat, lo bakal ngeliat semuanya memang dirunut sedemikian rupa.

Pas gue lagi galau ini, sambil maen monopoli, gue malah merenung. Seakan ada yang nanya ma gue,'Emon, skenario yang Gue buat bagus kan? Loe Liat, kalo misalnya lo ga ke gereja en donor darah di pagi sampai menjelang siang, mungkin aja bokap loe udah negor tante loe dari pagi, dan hari ini bakal berasa ga enak SEHARIAN penuh. Kalo aja loe ga musti ngawasin tukang nyervis AC dulu, murid lo bakal minta loe dateng sekitar siang. Loe bakal nyari DVDnya siang menjelang sore, dan pas konflik ribet itu terjadi loe bakal ada di rumah, dan keadaan ga bakal lebih baik. Kalo aja loe ga dapet gaji loe hari ini (rencana sebenarnya hari sabtu harusnya gue dah terima tuh duit), loe ga bakal pergi nyari DVD malem2, dan lo bakal terjebak dalam konflik besar rumah Emon Tahun 2009. Dan Kalo loe ketemu temen buat nyari DVD, loe bakal pulang lebih cepet dari yang seharusnya, bukan pas Om J dan keluarga masuk rumah loe. Loe bisa liat kan betapa hebatnya rancangan Gue?' Hahaha yup. Gue berandai2 Si Empunya Skenario melempar gue ke berbagai hal, kecil2 memang sampe gua ga nyadar detil2 ini sampe gue pikirin baik2, untuk membawa gue ke tempat gue malam itu. Di mana gue bisa memilih untuk tidak memilih di antara 2 pihak dalam keluarga gue itu. Di mana pilihan gue membuat semua bisa berpikir dengan kepala dingin, dan ga ada yang diusir maupun sukses mengusir malam itu.
Gue mungkin lom tau endingnya gimana, tapi musti gue akuin, rancangan Yang Di Atas memang luar biasa.

So guys, jangan terperangkap dalam 1 momen doang. Seberapapun enggak bangetnya suatu kejadian, yakinlah itu adalah sebuah detil yang musti lo laluin buat mencapai sesuatu, atau sampai ke sesuatu tempat yang lebih baik daripada alternatifnya aklo lo ga jalanin detil2 tsb.

Be sure, Everything happens for a reason. God is One Smart Designer. We just couldn't see His Blueprint for us yet. We need to walk all the dots to make lines, which will built the stories in each of our lifes.

Emon, the pessimist.
"

Got it?^^

Everything Happens for A Reason Part 1

Ini adalah sebuah cerita pengandaian yang mana sebagian menyadur dari kejadian sebenarnya. Jangan terlalu terfokus pada detil ceritanya, namun tangkaplah pesannya, karena pesan tersebut benar2 asli dan tidak diganggu gugat, ataupun dibumbu2i supaya 'lezat', lebih dari yang seharusnya.

Memang agak panjang, tapi bersabarlah dan lihat sampai akhir.








Tokoh bernama Emon bercerita sebagai berikut,

"Pada suatu hari gue ngelesin matematika privat di rumah anaknya (ya iya lah, namanya juga privat, Mon). Di akhir pelajaran, untuk melepas kepenatan, si anak ngajakin gue maen kartu, cap sa. Wah, gue bilang, ini sih makanan gue sehari2. Wehehehe, dan bener aja, walaupun 1-2 kali gue kalah juga (namanya juga manusia, bukan god of gambler) gue mendominasi... Di salah satu game, gue merelakan diri buat ngocok kartu (sebenernya sih karena terakhir itu gue yang kalah '-.-) sambil ngomong2 soal The Master, duel antara si ahli debus teterikal dan si pintar manipulasi. Sambil ngomong2 gue berlagak kayak bisa sulap gitu, ngocok kartunya juga lanjut dong.. Nah, terus gua bagiin ke empat spot kan tuh kartu, masing2 13 biji. Selesai gue bagiin, gue jejerin 4 paket tersebut. Gue tanya murid gue, lo mau pilih yang mana, apa yang ini (ngebalik paket bertama, jadi kartu terakhirnya keliatan, king bayem), yang ini (sebelahnya gue balik, kartu paling belakang king wajik), yang ini (sebelahnya lagi, king sekop), atau yang ini (dan.. paket terakhir ternyata belakangnya king juga, king hati)? Murid gue itu langsung terkesan, en karena gue pancing2 dia nanya gimana caranya tuhh?? Gue ngajjak dia maen, pake paket yang kita pilih sendiri, die ambil king bayem, gue ambil king hati. Sok misterius, gue bilang ' gak nyesel nih? hati kan lebih tinggi dari bayem? gue pasti menang!!' dan bener aja secara kebetulan paket yang gue pegang tuh memang bagus banget, dia kalah dalam 4-5 kali jalan. Sambil nuduh gue curang, kartunya udah diatur dsb, dia mau ngambil kartu yang berikutnya. Kali ini gue biarin die ambil kartu yang dia mau duluan, die ngambil king wajik, gue ngambil king sekop. Paket gue menang gemilang lagi, kartu tertinggi gue pegang 3, as gue pegang 3. die ngoceh2 dan sepanjang gue jalan dari kamar belajar tuh anak sampe pintu gue terus2 direngekin, diminta dengan halus sampe diancem buat ngajarin gimana caranya yang tadi itu... Gue bilang, itu bukan trik sulap, kalo sulap kartu mah temen gue yang jago.. Karena die ga percaya juga, gue bilang aje, kalo mo belajar sulap kaya ginian, baca aja buku sulap!! Tapi gue ga punya... Wehehehe dan gue pulang dengan selamat.

Tuh set kartu, asli ga gue apa2in. Gue juga ga tau sulap macem apapun kecuali 1-2 trik gampang yang so pasti ketauan kalo gua yang maenin.
Tapi kejadian acak itu cukup bermakna bagi gue.
Dari pagi ampe siang tuh sebenernya gue lagi banyak pikiran soal masalah di kuliah en temen2 gue yang ga kontak2 ma gue, padahala satu angkatan dan dulu sering banget maen bareng. Gue ngerasa kalo tiba2 gue cabut ke luar negeri juga kayanay ga bakal ada yang nyadar kalo ga gue kasih tau. Intinya, gue udah muak dicuekin, selalu jadi yang pertama nyapa, nanya kabar dan segala2nya. Gue lagi menderita krisis kemandirian dan penghargaan terhadap diri gue sendiri. Bahkan tadinya gue mo berenti ngasih les. Gue berasa ga dapet apa2 selain gaji dari nih kerjaan.

Kebetulan yang tadi itu, lucu banget, dan seakan2 membuat gue nyadar, bahwa walo orang2 yang gue harepin concern and aware ma situasi gue ternyata ga gitu, gue masih bisa berarti dan diperhatiin ma orang laen. Dengan menjalankan kehidupan gue seperti biasa juga pastinya gue bisa memberikan nilai2 kehidupan ma orang2 di sekitar gue, yang pada akhirnya, membuat gue merasa self-worthy. Heheh Mood gue yang tadinya ancur minah, jadi keangkat dikit. Dari suatu hal yang nampaknya kebetulan. Dan sampe sekarang, gue masih ngelesin tuh anak dodol.

Gue jadi merasa kayanya nih hal udah diatur. Everything happens for a reason. Kalo aja gue ga mumet en anak itu ga gue bikin mumet juga gara2 soal gue susah, kita ga bakalan mumet bareng en maen kartu pas abis ngelesin. Kalo aja ga ada acara sulap2an di TV, gue en tuh anak ga bakal ngebahas sulap pas maen kartu. En kalo pas maen kartu ga ada kebetulan yang mencengangkan (di mata tuh anak sih), gue pasti bakal ngedown terus dan bahkan berhenti kerja.

Ada cerita lagi nih. Di suatu akhir minggu, gue sebenernya ga ada rencana apa2 kecuali 1;temen lama sekaligus tetangga gue pengen nonton di suatu mal terkenal di bilangan Jakarta Utara. Gue yang ga punya acara ya temenin aja. Siangnya kita jalan bareng. nyebrang jalan gede biar dapet taksi en taksinya ga usah muter, karena kalo dari seberang jalan kan taksinya musti muter mayan jauh, bayarnya makin mahal dong??? Walau aslinya bedanya paling seribu-dua ribu perak doang. Cipe banget yah? Wehehe

Lanjut... Ternyata eh ternyata, baru sekali itu kita berdua susah nyari taksi. Biasanya kita ngindarin naek taksi karena mahal, ga terhitung berapa banyak sopir taksi yang gue buat kecewa karena ternyata gue manggil bus/angkot bukannya taksi, eh sekarang taksi yang menghindari kita.. Setengah jam kita nunggu kaya orang cengo di trotoar. Mana tuh ari panas bener.. Untung ga ujan, ga bawa payung gue.

Akhirnya kita menyerah nyari taksi murah en mendapatkan taksi dari grup bluebird yang kosong. Bisa diperkirain, harganya mahal. Mana jalan ke tuh mal budut ada yang ketutup, jadinya kita musti muter.. Cape dehh -.-'
Alhasil, 40 ribu buat nyampe tuh tempet T.T duit gueeee.....
Karena kita telat, alhasil pas kita ke bioskopnya, ngantrenya tuh udah kaya prosesor intel yang musti execute photoshop, 3dsmax, compiling program puluhan ribu baris, dan nyetel dvd sekaligus. Rame, panjang dan macet!!!!!! Walaupun line antrian ada 5-6, tapi semuanya penuhhhhh ampe deket tempet game. Why? Why in the generously open 7 days of a week, you should chose Saturday? hari di mana para pasangan dan orang2 kantoran PASTI punya jadwal nonton film bareng pasangan ato keluarganya masing2? Ugh, dan kita udah bersiap untuk yang terburuk, kita dateng dari jam 1an, kita mungkin baru bisa nonton jam 5.

Setelah ngantri 1 jam setengah di 3 line yang berbeda (oh ya, temen gue itu dengan baiknya 'ngundang' satu temennya lagi buat ikut merasakan neraka antrian tahun ini) kita akhirnya dapet tiket juga. Hore? (ugh tiket weekend=mahal) Ya aja deh, hore!! T.T Kenapa? karena akhirnya kita ga jadi nonton yang jam 5, tapi jam setengah 3!! Pas banget ada 1 baris yang memang tinggal kosonh 3 kursi lagi. Lucky.
Nonton, filmnya mayan lah bagus. Kita mang ngikutin neh film dengan sepenuh hati. Terus, sesuai rencana, kita ke timezone karena temen gue ini ngebet banget pengen maen di sono buat yang terakhir kalinya, sekalian nuker e-ticketnya (ya, dugaan anda benar. Dia telah melangkah ke dunia kerja. Dunia di mana segala macam kebebasan direnggut secara tertulis di kontrak kerja. Dan kita musti setuju atau jadi pengangguran kemudian mati kelaparan).
Eniwei, di satu mesin tertentu, kita ngantri selama kurang lebih 1 jam, karena yang maen ternyata sekeluarga dan ga abis2 saldo powercardnya T.T
Untung kita udah makan. Kalo ga pasti dah kena maag.Setelah teman gue itu mengakui kalo die udah ga mampu lagi maen mesin tersebut (baru 2-3 kali maen udah ngos2an, dulu dia bisa maen seharian), barulah kita melangkah ke tempat frozen yogurt, lalu dia belanja (ya iya lah, temen gue ini kebetulan sejenis ma shizuka, dia cewek), dan akhirnya, pulang. Naek taksi non-bluebird-dan-bukan-argo-kuda karena kita udah sama2 bangkrut.

Sampe di rumah, baru istirahat sebentar, nyokap en bokap cerita ke gue soal tante gue yang ga sopan ma bokap.

Oke, gue ceritain dulu secara singkat yee, di rumah tempet gue tinggal itu dihuni 2 keluarga, dan nenek gue. Dua keluarga ini, tepatnya bo-nyok en om-tante tuh ga akur, jadi masalah sekecil apapun tuh bakal jadi gede, karena mereka tuh ga pernah ngomong bae2 kalo ada masalah. selalu dibawanya ribut walau ga terang2an. Perang dingin. Gue ma nenek gue di tengah2. Nenek gue cenderung ke om-tante, karena ya memang sebagian masalah itu karena sikap bo-nyok yang dianggap ga cocok ma kebiasaan di rumah tsb. Gue? Gue bener2 di tengah2. Gue memang tau dari sudut pandang yang laennya bo-nyok gue salah, tapi dasarnya adalah kebiasaan keluarga rumah ini yang memang jarang banget berinteraksi dengan orang sekitar. Itu gua anggep agak ga sehat.

Ceritanya bokap terima tamu yang ngejenguk dia (bokap baru abis sakit mayan parah) jam setengah 10an malem. Mereka bawa makanan, dan ikutan makan dulu di kamar bo-nyok. Dari sudut bo-nyok gue yang mang sering tinggal jauh ma keluarga ini dan sering gaul ma orang2, ya ga ada salahnya dong. Yang penting niatnya bae, besok libur pula, jadi harusnya ga ada orang yang terganggu. Salahnya, kamar mereka dan om-tante gue cuma dipisahin sama dinding yang mayan tipis. Keluarga gue yang ini ga biasa terima tamu malem2 (walau kadang sih ya terima2 juga), dan entah kenapa, gua kan baru pulang, kayanya mereka dianggap mengganggu. Ni tamu mang mayan sering dateng, dan udah sering dipermasalahin.
Nah pas mereka pamit pulang, (dateng 09.30an, pulang 10.30an, murni cuma makan terus ngobrol bentar terus pulang) bo-nyok nganterin pe gerbang. Tante gue, berdiri di deket pintu dalem rumah, ngomong (mungkin dengan nada agak ga suka, gue ga tau, udah terkapar di kamar gue ndiri)'kalo bertamu jangan malem2 dong!' sambil nutup pintu agak kenceng (ini kayanya gue denger, ga tau, masih ngambang antara tidur dan kaga).

Bo-nyok seperti biasa, ngebangunin gue dan cerita ma gue. Nyokap maunya bokap langsung negor karena cara dan sikap adenya itu kurang sopan, bokap bilang besok aja. Gue tau, kalo nih masalah diungkit pasti panjang urusannya walaupun nih masalah kecil, jadi gue bilang ngomong bae2 aja, bilang 'orang mau ngejenguk gue en ngasih makanan masa iya mau ditolak? orang udah dateng dengan niat bae masa mau disuruh pulang. Sorry nih udah malem, besok aja ya bawanya. Msa gitu? Ajak ngomong bae2 Kan besok lo pada juga ga kerja ini. Ini kan weekend. Dsb2'
Akhirnya malem itu udah ga ada apa2 lagi. Nyokap masi keliatan ga puas, gua rasa karena egonya dan rasa dongkolnya ga terlampiaskan, bukan motivasi baik untuk menangani konflik menurut gue. Bokap, kayanya ga gitu dengerin saran gue, dan memutuskan menyelesaikannnya besok. Gua? Tidur, dan berdua semoga besok hati dan kepala kedua belah pihak udah lebih tenang...

Kalo aja gua ga pergi bareng temen gue, kalo aja nunggu taksinya ga lama gila, ga musti muter jalan, ga ngantri bioskop super panjang, temen gue ga ngantri super lama di wahana timezone, dan kalo aja temen gue itu bukan cewe sehingga dia ga bek=lanja dulu sebelum kita pulang, mungkin ceritanya bakal beda. Mungkin gue bakal ikut dalam kejadian itu. Tapi kenyataannya gue terkapar kecapaian malem itu dan ga jadi bagian cerita runyam tersebut."

Bersambung......

Don't Look At Me

Don't look me with that saddened eyes
I wouldn't jump off the ledge that way
I'm having nightmares at days
please don't look at me that way

Don't look me with prejudges
I'll look you back objectively
I can be best without those
and if I do, I'll smile at you thankfully

Don't look me in search of false
guilt you would never find
If I'm right
even if you think you are and mine's not

Those eyes
you smile with them so good
I can't look away
glimpses I cared about from yours
I think I knew I'll get

Don't look at me now
I'm a mess
but in fact if you don't I'm trying my best
to be worthy to look at somehow
in your vivid eyes

Apa Yang Terjadi?

Apa yang terjadi?
Rasanya kemarin hujan baru membuat laut berdebur ?
Kemarin angin masih menyapu pasir pantai di Sanur..

Sekarang awan gelap tanpa rintik menaungi laksana asap setelah cerobong api

Apa yang terjadi?
Rasa-rasanya baru kemarin kutemukan sekejap kepolosan
tanpa terbakarnya sebagian hasil kebun dan hutan?
Baru 2 hari yang lalu hijau daun menampakkan suara.

Kulihat kini sedih itu tak kunjung mati.

Katanya,
kau bakar itu untuk kelanjutan kerabatmu supaya lebih hidup
Kupertanyakan
Apa yang terjadi bila kau membabat lebih dari puluhan batang sekali tindakan?
Apakah alasanmu masih diterima oleh bumi?

Apa yang terjadi?
Aku tak di situ
hanya bisa diam ataupun kelu
Karena jawabmu,
kau tak tahu kisahku
kau tak di situ

Kenapa kau tak berbagi?
Ke mana perginya diskusi,
rangkulan hangat kekeluargaan itu?
Jangan selalu berpikir pendek teman.
hidup kita mungkin pendek, tapi umur umat manusia dan sejarahnya tidak begitu

-untuk seorang teman yang sudah lama tidak bertemu-

Fear

Meeting my advisor, without any preparations...
Scary2...
Really, I kinda not eager or feeling abash if I come up to a meeting, especially scientific meeting without preparations, proper preparation, or maybe some progress to show.
And now, I really have no progress significant enough to present.
Albeit all this, I have to face this meeting..
Wish me luck..

Not So Very Popular Sites, Which Should Be More Popular

WARNING!!
This section contains religious belief and religious point of views, especially Catholic. If you're opposing this, stop reading this before the line of x's.






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If you look for answers in your mind about catholic christianity, or such, you might find some answers here.

http://www.catholic.net
http://www.imankatolik.or.id

And for some other more in depth questions, ask the right persons please, the Pope, for example, or the Bishop, or experts in this field. Not some oppositions or other negative feedbackers. They're good for piling up questions, but not for answers.
After you heard the answers, if you're not satisfied, ask further.

If that person is annoyed enough, ask for logics from your loved ones.
If that's not satisfactory, ask yourself.
Don't do it in reverse, you'll harden your heart first before receiving feed backs.
Do it in order.

And don't forget, always pray and ask God for consult. He has super low rate and extra discount for an extra good consultant at His level.
His answers might not be instantaneous, sometimes even need for further interpretation or deep thinking to translate, but He always gives you a satisfying and irrefutable answer.

Kindness

Why does many people think that an act of kindness should have motives ?
Why does an act of kindness need a pretext? A 'but' in the speech of goodness?
Do we need a reason to do good, to help people?
Should an act of kindness is based on mutual interest, or pity, or some political cause?

I myself don't believe that an act of kindness should be a get along while.
Don't buy if that should be 'along the ride'.
I think that one can do an act of kindness on a whim.
I believe that anyone can do those good deeds without pretext.
Without agendas or some political maneuver.
I believe in our kind's kindness.

Without it, we may have not any big differences, only strategic movements of society. It would be just dull. Readable even, to some extent.

We wouldn't have Mother Theresa of Calcutta or Bill Gates Foundation and such.
Without the act of kindness without pretexts,
kids would be abandoned by their parents.

And while some may call it stupidity,
but I call it a repressable human habit.
I call it, the call of human nature.

50 Things You Should Do Before Breaking Up

I've always wanted to write a book.
Had a lot of ideas for books, what will they look like, what's the story in it, how they will excite certain people and inspire some. I've always wanted to publish my so-many-that-I-lost-count poems. But most of the ideas went down, trashed by my yielding focus. Hahah..
Well, before this one idea for a book fall from Everest to the trench of Atlantic, I decided to write it and renew it in my blog.

Title: 50 Things You Should Do Before Breaking Up

Origin of Idea:
Many people fell in love, many cases they will fall in love more than once, and in those cases a lot of relationship begins, and ends. Actually, how many people had only one relationship til the end of his life/bachelorhood (nice)? Bet, only small fraction of people.

Some thought about bad memories looking back at the ending of relationships, some even be obsessed. Now, I saw it in a very different cut, how about this: you and him/her broke up yesterday, and you realize, that you had a plan to take him/her to this awesome restaurant that has this great view and menu. So bad your luck, it will never happened, coz you've broken up. "If only I hadn't waited til his/her next birthday, maybe there won't be any regrets. At least I didn't plan it for nothing, but now it's too late."
Well, this is dr.Solution!! In case you haven't thought about things such as "why didn't I think about taking him/her to do this" or "He/she loves parasailing! Why didn't I take her to ...", this book will provide a list, you can have it as a checklist or just a reference of, what you should do not to regret coz not knowing, before some relationship went bad and ended!

If it's a right thing to do, then there will always be a right time to do it.

Included are time frames and real (or easily made up) occasions where you can do it.
So that you can try it as soon as possible, before things we all maybe doesn't hope for really happens.

Married or not married

Whether or not you end up happily ever after with your couple, if you took these advice and put it in practice, you most probably won't regret it.

"Hey, thanks to doing this I knew in advance that she had a bad case of sea sickness. Not taking her to a breath taking yacht deep sea fishing when we have a family holiday, check."

"Ah, she's allergic to peanut. You may not want to give her rocky road with peanut butter toppings. I did it once in a date and she had anaphylactic shock. I promised her I'll never do it again"

Okay, maybe not as extreme as the latter.

Anyways, let's start the count, shall we?

Adulthood

I drew a face in my childhood
Basically not Robin hood
I had a comic book that seems so cool it's about
adventures and meaningful fights, though me then didn't quite understand
I drew and I drew
coz nobody's calling me
I was free.

Some would say it was lonely
Taking care of the house all alone
moreover if you were less than thirteen
But I find it interesting
coz there's no need in discussing
matters than you'd avoid consciously

Some would say it's sad
turning your back and said good bye to long known friends
or bidding your first love good bye to faraway land
but I already knew how the mix blends
in less than fifteen

what's so good of being an adult,
what's so great about that?
I've through those when I was a child.
And I'm doing just fine.

Seeing your folks semi-annually,
can't seem to grasp your childhood memory
with them it was just a vacation
you'd had once too many
even before high school I had washed my own dishes
and even if allowed I'd washed my own clothes
and iron them it was no fuss

I didn't get this feeling
why people need another phase to call
when you've danced through more than seventeen?
It just won't end the frustration seeing
what they spent for the billing.
Just call it another year
and laugh and hold people you most dear
wouldn't that be enough?

what's so good of being an adult,
what's so great about that?
I've through those when I was a teen.
And I'm doing just fine.

Being in the phase called adult
there are lots of uncool things you can do.
Nasty things you don't need to do but now you're allowed to
legal to drink watch porn and
maybe do other stupid ideas then
And is that why there's a thing called adultery?

why do we need adulthood?
what's so grand about that?
Do the adults feel happier than a child?
It's just a rambling you needn't think too long about
But I think an adult feel loneliness more that a toddler.

It doesn't necessarily mean they can't have more fun laughter
or even have their own toddlers.
Name them John, Stacy, Jean, Roger or Amy.
That's fun, no?


And lastly, does an adult need a hood?

Truth Telling

http://www.uphaa.com/blog/index.php/clean-jokes-2/

That's... entertaining in some sorts..

Hm, although I've had unwanted turn in my life recently, I can't stop thinking how lucky I am.

Feeling a bit lonely though coz not many of my friends react to this situation of mine. But I guess everybody has their own life.
Hm, things went for the worse last night.
I've had a fight with someone I care about.

I talked about making my own decisions and trying to put up my own schedule. I wanted to try to stand on my own feet, thank you for caring me, but would you mind a support and my apology?

That person talked about how childish I am and how rebellious I am compared to 10-12 years ago. Talking about how I disobeyed orders and didn't like to be told what to do anymore.

I wanted to scream this out loud but I can't seem to find it in my heart, let alone my voice, to hurt that person.

I am not who I was 12 years ago. I don't want to be independent to anyone anymore. I still like caring and love, but I'm done being yelled at for something that is not important.

You can yell at me when I'm making a bad decision e.g. planning to bungee jump from Kilimanjaro or sorts, but I don't need anyone yelling at me about hairstyles or shoes that I wear. I appreciate your opinion and concern, but this is my life. I will make my decisions based on your suggestions and mine.

Is it selfish trying to be independent and make your own call at things?
Is it immature trying to arrange your own life?
Is it wrong to tell the truth about things and discussing what's best to do about it?

I didn't find the answer that night. I was taught that if you have problems with someone, you should talk about it, don't keep it inside or you'd have cancer.
I didn't believe the cancer part, obviously. But I believe in talking things through. Staying silent won't solve anything.

I've had great results, no, satisfying results of this practice in my experience at work. A healthy discussion usually leads to a good solution. That's why I always open to discussions when I'm in charge of something and try to make an important decision.

But why that night it didn't work that way?
I ended up feeling worse with a painful solution up ahead.
I guess, some people doesn't get open discussions. They want absolute obedience of order. I guess, I have to accept the consequences of surfacing the truth.
Yes, telling the truth always lead to 1 of the 2 conclusions:
you help someone by hurting them or you hurt someone trying to help them. And often the case, those someone include the truth bearer.

Be careful. Jesus was penalised by the Jews in His time because He spoke the truth.
But, some truth has to be spoken no matter what.

Bittersweet Days

Everything in this world has an upside and a downside
Like waking in the morning.
Like this morning.
I woke up with a steady resolution but my heart waver for a bit.
Sorry, a lot.
Then I recollected about the sins I committed these past few days,
and found even more worries, so I stopped my own thoughts and move.

I forgot my wallet on my way to my destination, came back and went to other appointment I made, only to be troubled by something even more grave.

I made a mistake reading the instructions about bureaucracy and
that either:
a. Cost me a year to waste, but no financial obligation
b. Cost me a year and a financial obligation
c. Cost me a little time to play inside the intestines of bureaucracy and a grave amount of money, but I won't have to waste a year

Those shitty options are all I got left






And after picking C, it happened that my case couldn't be helped, and I've to chose option A.
I just want to cry and all, but can't find the right moment and place to do it.
I won't give up et, and try to push option C until the very last line of defense.
Please pray for me.

Just In Case

We never know what will happen, so I'll tell you this just in case.

Friends, you all mean something to me. And if I ever done something as stupid as hurting your feeling, and you can't seem to know why I did that, please tell me. Sometimes I'm ignorant of feelings too. And please forgive me if that happens.

Special friends, I wished we had been more than friends at times. But maybe It wasn't meant to be. Maybe I wasn't trying hard enough or I ended trying too hard at times.
Sorry if I hurt you. I regret it. I really do. But I never regret that I met you.

Best friends, I'm not the best type of friends, I'm ignorant at times, and worse, good chances I had ignored you for quite some time. Believe me, it's not that I don't like being with you, share stories, feelings or sorts. It's just that I like giving good news about me and everyone else. Maybe, in my opinion, nothing good that I can tell you or many less than good things happened that i was reluctant to share because it will cause some of you burdens or even worse, sadness, that made me rethink of getting in touch with you. It's not you that isn't strong enough to take it. It is I that is not strong enough to willing to make you sad. But believe me, when it comes to times, I'm more than willing to push you out of the road when a truck is riding at you at blinding speed. I'd take a bullet for you all.
Maybe I've proved it a little to you, maybe I haven't. But it's true.

Loved ones. as in families and other relatives. 1 note for you. 2 simple words. Stop fighting. Argue in healthy ways, don't bottle things up. It didn't work for me, it never works. Argue in healthy ways, not in hatred or vengeance or greed, but in love. Forgive, forget, and never turn to those problems again. Families are meant to love and care for each other. We are not neighboring nations claiming a small piece of land to be ours and not the others, we're family! By blood or by mutual trusts. Either way, we're family.

My Lord, I expect nothing more out of You. You've been a great Lord. I wished I was more of a servant, but after trying, I'm only me. Beg Your forgiveness for all the wrongdoings, and thanking You for all the impossible happiness and extension of life You've given me. I know I'll never reach this far without those credits.
For every living moments I thanked Thee, for every near death experiences I have been through alive, I worshiped Thee more, abd for my time of death, I'm leaning on my hope to Your will to save me.

Thank you. Sorry. And Good bye

The Girl In My Mail

Hello, Hi, How are you?
Not so bright not so blue.

And what's your plan for tonight?
just watching TV and laugh will be alright.

I'm waiting for a girl in my mail.
I sent a request but always it seems to fail.

Looking for a rug to wear
Not just a cloth you just tear

It must have some shape or
a good-feel looking color

Coz today it comes a girl in my mail.
I'll finally receive it and it's not on sale.

And til midnight I waited for the bell rings
Nobody came, not even after the dogs stop barking.

I waited the next day and the day after
Hoping it was just late to be delivered

But I mailed back and forth,
And my hope's kinda lost.
No replying
and I'm tired of calling.

I did not receive a girl in my mail.
Forever I wished for seven years and more.

Until it ends, i dreamed
it's still there..
standing in front of my mail box.

Waiting for me to call her.
And she calls back.

Living Life

Recently I've had some time to think about what I'm doing in this life, and, in return, what life is trying to do to itself.

Some afternoon when I was riding my bike in some big road, I thought: "Wow, in this speed, if I'm lucky enough I might've
hit that huge bus and, just like that, die. It will only be in a fraction of seconds."
And then I hit the bus..

Kidding, of course I'd not hit a bus at 50 mph on purpose.

Sometimes I felt that life is just an empty wide space you've got to fill in
with a lot of new things, new colors, new sketches, new faces.

Sometimes, just like what i was thinking on that wide streets with massive trees on both sides,
life is a wandering road of tunnels, and you could reach your goal at your own pace.
You could decide whether you must hit the brake or just shift to the fifth gear and
vanish in 100 mph. The other vehicle in front of you, you can just wait patiently behind them, waiting
to pass them, or just pass them with a slight adrenaline pumping slide of acceleration.
Whether you want to feel the rush of excitement, or you just want the wind blows in your direction
is all up to you.

Of course the greatest fear in life is in crossing the road.

There's a reason people told you to always look both ways before you do.
Your life could end in split second just crossing the street, it'll require only any vehicle
driven 40-60 mph to sack you down the drain.

Let's see what you're going to face in an attempt of crossing a road that has lots of cars, bikes, buses, etc.
You step on the pavement. You feel tense because they pass you on a speed you can catch with your hand, like your life fly away before your eyes.
One slip will turn you into a road kill or a bug on some car's (truck's!) window.

Once you get pass that, if you're a good crosser (not moto-crosser) you look both ways
Just to find that either ways is just as frightening.
They're axes swinging waiting to end your life in an instant.

Then, the wait.
You wait until the road's cleared. Lucky if there's a traffic light or you have a technology called
crossing bridge that goes over the road. But in case you don't, such as many of the cases in Indonesia
you'd find it rather irritating. Time goes by as the horror keeps coming.
You try to take the first step off the pavement, and WOOOSH! A motorcycle passed by in 80 mph,
a healthy speed to run someone to their grave. And hey, that might be you! Congratulations.

One of two scenarios.
The road's cleared (Finally!) and you cross the street safely, and happily go home to your loving bed.

OR, the road hasn't cleared,and the sky's getting darker, waiting for pouring a blessful rain.
Oh no, rain and cell phone in your pocket is not a good combo. Must. Cross. Now.
And despite the fact that your brain shouting at you (It's suicide! don't! your life's still worth something, right?)
you cross the road!

speeding cars decelerate at the rate that won't be good enough to not to kill you if you collide,
horns screaming everywhere and your life swirling around you.
You say your prayer but it's too late...

you might be there or you might not.

But, as I always say before crossing a wide road full of speeding cars and bikes, and trucks and buses,

"Life is full of challenges and tests of courage or anything. If there's nothing to it, you can't call it living."

I smile,
And I cross the road...

Feel

An inkling of perspective arouse my curiosity
A wavering heart is on dismay

asking why for eternity
Wondering how every living day

Why do some guy never satisfied
with what they have,

What makes another live so selflessly for others,
do a lot of good deeds and be forgotten,

How on earth does love work anyway,
Why can some feel pain while others are laughing
and around the other way?

And in turn, people neglect other in the name of priority,
and despise other in the name of justice.

Finally, there's only one big question in your heart right now,
if you read this note thoroughly from top to bottom.

So, the question is

A Splendid Reason

In the middle of my surfing I found this as an inspiration
And it followed me through my desperation

That even you and those petty reasons
Are nothing mere than a message of revelation

I'm strong as it is
And with God's love and grace

Love is one splendid reason
to not forget you,
but not mourn you
or the loss of you.

Full Throttle!

A soothing wind blew me away
in this dessert of dismay
I called life.

A winter breeze in the hottest time in May
and I wish for a while it'd stay
And I pray

That this might continue, in sadness let there be caress
In agony, let there be strength to carry on
and in people who want to see the happiness of life,
they can see you in their eyes.

And thank God
For His belssings
This humbly be
and a love for my daughter she would agree

Run to your goals!!
Don't let the sun closed to a set before you've reached it.

Til it breaks,
Floor it full throttle!

Childhood Memory

Ada sebuah kenangan di masa kecil yang cukup membekas di ingatan penulis.
Tentu saja, bila tidak tentu penulis tidak ingat.

Di waktu kecil, penulis cukup sering sakit dan ke dokter.
Di tempat praktek seorang dokter, penulis sedang menunggu dalam ruangan bersama dengan keluarga.
Ada seorang muda yang sakit (lupa gendernya, s/he) mendapat giliran lebih dulu.

Mungkin wajar bila dia diantar oleh keluarga yang khawatir dengan keadaannya.
Mungkin kelihatan sedih bila dia ke dokter sendirian.
Mungkin romantis bila ia pergi diantar pasangannya.

Tapi tidak!
Serombongan orang seumurannya, ada yang pria, wanita, entah ada yang transgender atau tidak, penulis kurang ingat, mengantarnya,
menemaninya ke ruang dokter, dan melakukan diskusi dengan sang dokter bersama dengan si pasien.

Tidak pernah sekalipun ia ditinggalkan sendirian.

Ada kemungkinan tindakan tersebut kurang mengesankan bila ia kecelakaan atau semacamnya, tapi ternyata diagnosisnya adalah penyakit yang umum, gejalanya pun hanya pusing dsb.

Sungguh menggetarkan adanya kepedulian sesama teman yang sangat besar di sekeliling sang pasien
Penlis yakin, sang pasien akan cepat sembuh, bukan hanya karena dokternya hebat, obatnya tepat dsb, tapi juga karena kehangatan yang ditunjukkan teman-temannya.

Hahaha, penulis juga kadang ingin merasakannya.
Berapa orang dari masyarakat modern saat ini yang memiliki hubungan pertemanan seperti itu?
Saat anda sakit, adakah teman yang bersedia meluangkan waktu untuk mengantar/ merawat anda sampai ke dokter dan setelahnya?
Jika ya, tolong, jangan sampai kehilangan mereka, dan bersyukurlah karena harta tersebut jauh lebih berharga dari kedudukan tinggi sekalipun.

Truth

I hear voices of lullaby
When whispers don't need to talk
that's when you'll hear the sound of the heart
And the heart,
tells the truth...

If I Love You

If I love you,
the sky would be so blue
the butterflies inside me
will float in ecstasy,
just thinking how my eyes
see you.

If I love you,
summer breeze would be around,
singing happily to the green leaf
after the brown
Time will stop,
I hope,
when your eyes meets
mine that time.
As my heart stops, when
you awe me, every time

If I love you,
I'd hope it will come true
That you would love me too,
feels like never wanting an end,
if I love you.

Nothing More

The simplest good bye
to most complicated feelings,
indeed so hard.
A laughter,
I'm just a shadow of the heart
A still ball in the courtyard.
Still, I'm nothing but a man

Possible

Mungkinkah kita bosan akan bintang
bila tiap mata memandang malam?

Mungkinkah kelapa hanyut
benci akan air laut?

Mungkinkah kau merindukan
orang yang selalu di dekatmu?

Flying Without Wings, Simple Life

Free yourself!
Jump off a window!
Chase the rising sun and
plunge to the Atlantic
deepest ground!
Fall off the jet plane
at the speed of sound!
Cry out your heart!

-flying without wings-

Life was a curious thing
One can bring forth tons of
question for life and
one won't truce in satisfaction
Life full of needs, too
It requires a tune to be a song
It requires understanding to get along
Some say life is wonderful
some say life is miserable
but one longing to be happy
in life
And I want to thank you
for you taught me what
happy is
so that I could live
a life,
and that is how
life simplified

-Simple Life-

So Long, And I Promise You No More, Tell Me How

Raining merry burning happiness
an ephemeral, not meant to last
Rivers turn red and dry the bones of the vultures

Brimming hopes and beaming smiles
a leaf grows anew
Dragging me and you, holding hands in hearts
of our own.
We just stick to moving on
Making friends with shooting stars and
pitch black night...
Did they see our history?
Greeting exchange with shadows and glances.
Only them, not anyone else.
Not only now, but eternally

-So Long-

Reap my heart out
dance on my head
sing the truth of my lies
Breach me
a hole in my liver
the whole rotten darkness
that shouts to everything
that cries for nothing

Nothing bout you..

You told me to move on with my life
how can I do that
for all my life, my world
is you...
It's just a black-massive hole
without you

-and I promise you, no more -


Tell me how to bring
a crumpled paper straight to its sleekness
How to shush those who are riotous
Tell me how the unforgivable gain forgiveness
while I'm just a reticence...

-Tell me how-

Enlightened Darkness

I called for the soothing breeze
right from upon a burning tree
Healing me from a blood night
that loms my own graveyard

The shadows of hope
and enlightened massacre
in a name they didn't
really know

Sincere grace of
rage only for
those who bow

Slashed by own guilts
Stabbed by own regrets
shot by own sins

And now he feels how
lonely a hole on a heart
can be

Kau dan Saya

Let me pick a star in the sky.
Just for you.
We'll slide playfully on a rainbow
til the end.
Just the two of us..
Waking up at green hills outside our palace,
we can make it.
You and I.

P A G I

May this good morning turns from a good night
Let the warm of sunlight be a beaming
smile of your lips, from this sunrise
to the edge of horizon. Day of happiness.
God bless...

-2007-

Most Good Night

This is the most good night poem
Maybe if not never you'll hear it seldom
Hope and wish
Gorgeous sky as your roof
with countless stars
and more shining dreams
in your sleepy groove!
Good night!

-2007-

Relentless Inappropriate Passion?

Why do we always compare things?
We do it without hesitation, not thinking
whether it is bad or good.

We humans are endlessly greedy,
We would even sell ourselves
for things better than we need.

Are those appropriate?
Because sometimes, that sole passion
drives human to greatness
or drives you crazy...

Do we really need that kind of passion to survive?
Is needlessness the true goal of every attemp of free life?
Of perfection?
Or is it just mortifying?
Living without need, without passion
without urges,
will we be more than mere leaves waiting for Fall?

Ilusi

No ropes to bind me
I'm free!!

Having conversation with the soft gust of the valley
exchanging words with you in the middle of the field of paddy
breaking a day we straighten our bodies on that bamboo plate
speaking of how beautiful you are when
your seriousness wipes my silly misbehaves.
Or what an idiot are we when playing billiard.

Engkau tertawa
Saat kukagumi sederhananya dandananmu
saat kukatakan nyamannya melingkarkan lenganku
di pinggangmu menenangkanku lebih dari musik klasik
Engkau menatapku dengan matamu yang tajam dan cerdik
jernihnya tawamu di dalam sorotnya membuatku selalu ingin melihatnya
lagi
dan lagi
setiap hari
kupatahkan ilalang dan kulingkarkan anyaman alam itu ke jarimu
berharap cincin sederhana itu bisa menenangkan
hati dan pikiranmu yang rumit
yang biasa tersembunyi
dalam sederhananya sikapmu
dalam senyuman bercahaya itu
dalam simpelnya keseharianmu

I watch the blue sky and be thankful in my beating heart
that i have that, that priceless key
a key to your heart

Sayangnya
Aku terbangun oleh diammu di sampingku
Dekat namun hati kita terpisah jauh

Crumbling, realizing
I'm captivated in an illusion

Silencium

Dalam diam kupandangi hari dan bulan berganti
cinta dan benci datang dan pergi

Dalam diam kupendam pedih dan gembira
sahabat dan saingan bolehlah
singgah dan berpisah

Dalam diam untung dan malang
menarikan tango yang erat dan panas
dalam hatiku, menjebak pikiran
dan mataku
di keindahan dan kediaman yang tak pantas

Dalam diam sikapmu
dingin angin musim bertiup lirih
saat kau tiadakan aku
dari harimu, dari hidupmu

Dalam diammu
kau
torehkan belati ketidakpedulian
membunuh sayang dan bahkan
kasihan

Masihkah ada di matamu
atau sedikit lintas saja di lamunanmu
aku
dalam diammu

aku mati tanpa benci

Bukan

Hentakan di kepala ini bukanlah ombak yang bergelora di pantai
Seraya aku melangkah dan menatap senja langit sore
Gemerisik dan gemeritik riang bersahut santai

Angin bertanya padaku penuh rasa ingin tahu
Bukan apa, bukan kenapa, tidaklah penting
di mana itu berada
Tapi siapa yang membuatmu berduka di tatap matamu?

Credo, Ergo, Ego

Silently the snake crawls between the fingers-like roots of the birch tree.
Under the pale silvery light of night,
its shadow as dark as the slithering beast itself.
His eyes watched carefully
as the wallowing in his heart kept pondering with the wind.
Slowly moving backward,
his hand crept at his cold metal with a hold,
waiting.

that beast came closer,
closer. Inch by an inch.
Quiet as the evening wind, their eyes met at last.
And he swung at that thing with his mere metal stick.
Hard! Harder!
Faster! Til his hand felt numb by the impact.
It's his life or its, easy for him to decide.

me iudice

and then, after the little thwack of commotion...
There was silence...

Death lingers around the man, blood of the misled snake
splattered everywhere.
Fear, had made him a monster.

It was the snake, he thought.
I was trying to kill the snake.
I accidentally killed my brother.

None of the village people would believe him, his mind wavered.

They saw all too well of the siblings quarrel the past few days.
How they arguing of the farm their father left for them in his demise.

But I said yesternight that I'll give all of it to my brother. I had stated my interest to that farm is no longer existent, that family and harmony comes first.

I told that in front of all to hear, for heaven's sake!

But, they won't buy it.
Why?
Although it was just an accident,
why would they believe me not?

I'm innocent...
I'm not guilty...

I'm sorry brother...

And he cried painfully to the hollow moon.

Years passed....

The brother who lived didn't live at all.
Mad, guilt ridden, he was banished from the village.
The farm was destroyed by war just moments before his return.
He tried too hard to gain something, he lost all.

Running as the mad man he was, he jumped of the cliff,
looking to hold his winged brother in an empty space before him.
The beautiful nature before that suicide cliff remains amazingly wonderful.

Nemo gratis mendax




Omnia mors aequat.....

Striking Lines

I thought you were the good guy...

(myself): I thought so, too

Save yourself a sliver of respect I still have of you
and don't make any lame excuses.

If you don't want me to hate you completely,
now go away
and stay away.

-bedtime stories, with slight changes-

Those comments are a stab in the heart coming from anyone
but mostly if coming from people who trusted you and loved you

Hopefully, you'll never get these words or get to say them.
It hurts,right?

You Must Not Be Afraid

In the morning I suddenly had this desire to write in this blog.
Hm, what should I say first, yeah.
I would say that today's gonna be tough. I'm gonna have some lengthy conversation with someone whom i respected and I don't wanna get any bad notations from that person.
That attitude, has made myself stuck in many troubles before. Yes! Some kind of unbased fear to disappoint others tend to slow us down.

So in this note I stated my latest state of mind,

I CAN disappoint others and learn how not to do it further, later.
I CAN stand up to something I believe is important, however small that is.
I must not be afraid of something trivial like debating someone i don't feel like arguing against. There are lots of people that has the courage to defend their opinion and importance, but don't have the chance to do so. I've not in that spot for many turns in my life, and i must be grateful, not afraid, to state my point of view.

DO NOT FRET!

GBU All

Dare

things i wanted, i just couldn't get

things i never thought would be mine, i just forget

even so, it's a ton of hatred more for me to regret

if you didn't come along and add

"i'll get you up, no matter what."

in this world full of uncertainties,
i will make it set.

at the end of my ropes, i just

for those words, i dare to bet.

and jump

Short Stuffs

It's not bad for your health
It's not hot to have either
sometimes when the roof seemed so thight,
you might think of using it:
The Short Stuffs!!

Somewhere
somewhere in the jungle
i'm looking for you,
but i'm nowhere in your heart
even if i do

Selalu Ada Alasan
Selalu ada alasan untuk membenci seseorang.
Tapi cinta kadang datang tanpa memakai peta,
dan sayang datang tanpa agenda

Tapi Tanpamu
Akan sampai ke mana dunia ini terbang?
Sampai cinta melompat riang?
Atau saat laut tak lagi menyentuh pantai?
Entah, tapi tanpamu
duniaku terbang tanpa sampai..

My Heaven and My Hell

Hey my heaven and my hell
stop stomping silently in my heart
for it’s beating faster than any bell
not knowing will the labor fit its worth

Hello my heaven and my hell,
please say goodnight so i can’t dream of
nothing beside you

please say anything
I can’t hardly wail about the silent air

you, my heaven on earth
and my reign of hell
be my dream and my air (my dream comes true and air that I breathe)
so in the darkness of night could I be
soothed til I’m sleeping tight
on the by of clouds up above,
t’was the grassy bed of meadow
down on earth

Why Is It

Why is it always you?
coming off the constellation
to save me from my midnight imagination?

Why is it always you?
telling me not to worry
about things while
all my nightmare days make me wary?

saying i'm here,
at my worst just like an errand
you flown me back
to smile

why is it always you?
in my dreams smile calmly,
even through the stormy evening
faithfully stating
it'll be alright

but why is it always me?
taking things one step too far?
so you flew
far away

Happy New Year 2009

Firstly let us thank God for we've seen the dawn of a new year.

A new year some said will be tougher
A year began in the middle of global economic crisis
A year of desperation
Some said what they said..

But since we know optimism brings something better than pessimism,

Let us say this instead,
in the midst of last year's chaos
this is a new year,
a year where we can start anew
an opportunity to atone for what we did, and after thinking, what we'll do

this is a brand new days to live in
a new page to fill
live and love this new year, as a year of hope.

GBU all

Waktu

This I made when i was at JHS.
I think it's interesting.

Waktu

Waktu,
begitu penting artimu
tanpa sangsi
kau begitu berarti
Walaupun engkau selalu bisu

dan engkau
seperti angin lalu
ada,
lalu tiada
muncul,
kemudian menghilang entah ke mana

Engkau wahai waktu
sungguh tak tentu
terkadang cepat tak terduga
kadang lambat tak terasa

Adakah engkau wahai waktu
memiliki perasaan?
berhatikah engkau?
terkadang kau keji tak terperikan
terkadang juga terasa murah tanpa batas
Sampai kapankah engkau
membiarkan awan itu ada
menutupi tabir kelam nasib manusia
kapan,
kapan engkau membiarkanku
menyingkap misterimu oh waktu.